Learning about relationship
while in one
with myself.

I think I've always had the bent
towards some kind of
spiritual doula.

It has always felt as natural as air and water
to assist another
in breathing through their trials
and
in birthing their own voices.

But I'm finding that my scales and balances
have been tilted toward the Other
and less towards the Self
in such a way that
it's causing a pain
that I feel done with now.

My voice and my response
are essential beats
in the dance of relationship
And when I'm too busy
trying to protect and predict yours,
Our two-step
turns to limping

I used to feel God
in a blanket of emotion,
in an unlocking of my chest,
in a warming of my stomach,
in a burning of my ears
And I would think
Yes
Surely He is here
Surely I am blessed,
So, so sure.

And I don't feel God
in such a cozy way
these days
or know the name he is called
or even her pronoun
And feelings of peace in my chest,
gut
and stomach
are more difficult to conjure up

But I do know that I feel
very
very
alive
And if existing
is not as close to God as you can get
then I don't know what is

And I can't access comfort quite so easily
but I do know God in my body
as the shifting gravity
that comes with the opening of new energy
and it feels as weightless as space
and tingles like moon dust
on the bottoms of my feet
and it swirls like Van Gogh's starry night
and it's so marvelously Open,
and it's a little darker
but a little truer too
and I think I can deal with that
as long as it's set on
an honest axis.