Much

Fifteen months of much
And I hate tomorrow
Because one year ago it held word of good news.
But I know that tomorrow,
just as today,
holds only the ash leftover from one ugly fire.
And in my mind's eye, my face is
covered with this ash and the careless wind
steals it from my wretched, grasping hands.
When will I ever learn to hold loosely to all things,
not my own?
And I stand powerless against the sweeping waters,
unable to resist the rising of whatever piece
of remembrance that chooses to re-announce itself to my heart,
Just as if learning it for the first time.
Wound and unwound and rewound again.
And somehow, I'm all of these things:
Raging
and understanding.
Horrified
and knowing.
And so I stand,
human,
Under the God who gave life to these words:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

Laura Dreyer

Songbird, Songbird

Something's been rollin around in my gut
and it makes me wanna sing.
I wanna sing a song
that fixes itself upward and
grazes all things unseen.
I wanna sing a song
that rattles my throat,
and then my spirit
and births something new
and lays the old down to rest.
There's something about using
your voice as a music maker
that throws locked doors down
and closed hearts open.
I wanna sing.

Go ahead and chuckle

Title: A Question No One Wants to Hear
Setting: Standing in line for coffee at the mall
Characters: A 5-year-old girl, dressed in pink. Me, dressed in dark blue.

Script-
Her: (To herself but side glancing at me) I wonder if that's a boy or a girl...
Me: (Look away, trying to ignore it and hoping she forgets her question)
Her: (A little more directly, and this time crowning me with her tall balloon animal) Is that a boy or a girl?
Me: (Closed-mouth smile but still don't say anything, since she's still calling me a "that")
Her: Are you a boy or a girl?
Me: I'm a girl...Did my short hair trick you?
Her: No...it was your coat.
Me: Oh, well I guess I gotchya then...heh.
Her: (Turned back around silently)

AWKWARD

When Anger Tempts

Your pain is not a badge,
do not get used to wearing it.
Your pain is a gateway.
Something to know well,
and then travel through
in order to meet the sea of pain
that lies just outside yourself.
Be both soft and strong,
Do not seal yourself off
for there is much to be reaped
from this impossible winter.

To Do

_ feel everything necessary
_ reap the treasures of darkness
_ gain back the body that grief has whittled away
_ express what is in me
_ remember, with a tear and a smile
_ trust the finished work of Jesus
_ raise my hands in praise
_ love like he did
_ expect good things