I heard my plate of tomatoes say to me
tonight,
Be here with me
And so I was.
Each salted slice,
red and green
juice and seeds,
garden goodness.
And I saw many worlds in that moment
on that plate.
The vegetable organ
of chambers and membranes.
My dad's country hands
whose mother's country hands
taught him to salt his tomatoes too.
And the "thank you" from my lips
travelling up to creator~provider,
knowing so clearly
what prayer was
in that open windowed space.

Worlds within worlds within worlds
Knowing my place
Being with it all,
in thanks.

Do not be threatened
white folks.
Their flourishing
is Our flourishing
When they become empowered
it is for the good of us all.
It's about time
for their rising
so stand back
and be in awe
of what they've come through
and of where they're going.
Do not be threatened.
Our body needs them to be whole.

Just grateful right now
to experience others in exactly the place that they're in
to peer into this moment in time
of their barefooted journeying
and not listing out the many ways we don't connect
for once
but seeing suddenly how they are offering me whatever they have to give
from whatever curve of the road they are in
from our foggy mirrored perspectives
on this sacred and blessed path.

I bless you on your way
and I'm thankful to to catch a glimpse.

The word "patterns" stuck itself in my ear yesterday
and I found myself reading
about the universe and the way it repeats itself
and how the birth of a cell
is the mirror image of the death of a star
and how the neurons of the human brain
mirror the image of the universe
And today I heard the phrase,
The shalom of God is built into all things
and I know that I keep trying to find a way out
of the idea of universal chaos
So I'm drinking in these patterns
Like they are my umbilical cord to the Creator
and I'm re-believing in some kind of order
until I can surrender into Yes, maybe there is something to trust,
Something that has organized it all
and I am somehow a part of the answer
without even knowing what it is.

"It's only water,"
I think to myself,
just like I had thought,
"It's only multiplying cells..."
Makes it all not sound so deadly

Still hard to believe that it was just
some extra cells
that killed my dad's body
And it's only water
except that
it's swirling in the air
and piling into your living room
and drowning your pets
and your cabinets
and maybe you too.

This is what I mean when I say,
"Everything is chaos"

I don't believe there was sovereign design
behind which cells grew
and which houses flooded
and which pets died.

The houses by the shores flooded
because they were closest to the water.
The cells in my dad's brain grew
because of his inherited genetic mutation.

Shit just happens.

Today three kids knocked on my car window
and asked for a ride home
in the Walgreens parking lot.
I'm not of the savior mindset anymore
and I know that I can be a sucker
So I turned them down left and right.
The boy piped up when he saw the girl failing
and did some quick math.
"We each need $1.50 to get a bus pass
to get back to Raytown
to get back home."
So I got out of my car
to go get them money from the ATM,
eyeing them in the parking lot as I did.
I gave them five dollars
and their story never changed
and they never asked for more.

I drove away believing their story
and wished I'd bought them snacks as well.
I don't know what they learned from that...
That people are suspicious of them
or that people need to have their arms twisted
I don't know.

And maybe even liars deserve snacks.
Next time, get the snacks.

I walked into my garage the other morning
to the sound of two chirping crickets
and before my mind thought a thought,
an impression from my subconscious rose up
of me as the jail keeper
who had just walked in
on an awe filled moment
of two prisoners
singing the dark full of light.

My dog is using the pillow next to me for her head
like a human
and it gives me that kind of
throat catching pained chuckle
that is usually meant for parents
gazing at something adorable their child just did
I think.
I know they say to never compare your pet
to someone's child
but I don't know how my heart could expand
anymore than this
so it's no insult, really.

When I think of unconditional love,
she's what I know.

Everyday I worry of her dying
but today I recalled that,
------I am not afraid.
She will be here
until she is not
and until then
I gift my worry free presence
to this funny little animal
who found a soft pillow
for her worry free head.

I bought a house for myself

thinking secretly

that I just needed to build an island

where attachment and loss couldn't find me,

I'd dig a moat, 

I thought,

where all of the glittery things could drown

before they hooked into my heart.

But soon after 

I began fixating on house fires

and my pets' frantic eyes

and their little cowering bodies

and so then the sad admittance 

that to live is to attach and to love and to lose

and I told myself

if i lose one more big thing

just drop me off at an institution

where they have those quick drugs

that turn the tidal waves to sloshing

and the clawing into swaying

and the horrible, endless falling

into poof
nothing at all.

It all comes down to this,

Not, how to not suffer,

but how to not be afraid

of the suffering.

Because I think that

that horrible, endless falling

and the tidal waves

and the frantic clawing

are actually in the fear,

and not in the suffering at all.

The antidote

-I am not afraid
---I am not afraid
------I am not afraid