In space
Let it be.

Space
has been stirring in me lately.
I've been anxious and lonely
and so I've been
filling up every
container possible.

Talk radio for every silence,
and quick showers,
and busy hands
and chitter chatter
and frantic clawing
at the eyes of Alone.

And on Sunday
my beloved group
chose that holy song,
Let it Be
as our doxology
and my mind held still
and my eyes filled brim
and I sighed,
Ok.

And the Sunday before last
my beloved group
spoke on creation and creativity needing space
or absence
in order to be truly creative
And my heart softened
at the thought of my experience
of God's absence
actually being the beating pulse
of creativity.

The appearance of a chaotic world
has been my thorn,

But if it's just a little space,
then maybe I can
let it be.

I feel myself making a choice
lately
New muscles moving
in new ways.
Choosing to be tougher
than all of those things that I fear.

Don't let the bastards get you down

Life-
You can't destroy me.
You can break me,
but I will rebuild myself
with the pieces that you leave behind
over and over and over again.
I will not be dismayed
I will not be undone.
After it all goes to hell,
I will remain.

When I was young,
a kid who still only knew Safety,
and my parents would come home after a night out,
I would notice their smell.
It was always metallic and cold
like car keys and weather.
They'd been outside
while I had stayed inside.
Anything could've happened to them
but I didn't think like that just yet.

I've been crying about my dad lately.
And sometimes I wonder,
is my grief getting worse with the years of distance?
I never used to cry like this
over missing him.
And now I wish so bad
for his strength and encouragement
and his playfulness and ability to handle things
as a presence back in my world,
A world
that I've become so skittish in these past few years.

I miss his parenting.

I've been seeing grasshoppers lately.
We have a complicated relationship,
Grasshoppers and I.
I've always been afraid of them
but lately I've been studying them calmly.
Long legs and still bodies
Unpredictable movements
and camouflaged under stems and leaves.

Today I was walking, walking, walking
And there was another grasshopper,
right there in the road.
As soon as I wondered, "Why?"
A memory tapped me on the shoulder.

I'm a child in Oklahoma
and my dad has brought me
to his family's old farmland
to share in his childhood experiences.
We approached a field with grasshoppers flying
back and forth
up and down
jumping here and there
and everywhere
and I froze in fear.
I was terrified.
But with his prodding,
he got me to walk through it.

And I realized there on my walk
of how my father is still parenting me,
although now
through more mysterious means,
but reminding me in symbols
and memories
and creatures
about how to Be,
and how to carry myself in a world
that can feel so frightening at times.

Be not afraid.
Move through it,
until it's behind you.

I cried and I cried
until the tears had finished their holy baptismal work
and I thanked him for his continued support
and I'm learning still
that I'm not alone
or abandoned
and how to become the bravest version
of myself
alongside the grasshoppers
and my father
and every creature that is learning how to
Be here too.

I had a tenderness towards myself tonight.

I needed it.

Holding myself sweetly

so that my ocean-journeyed students

can know the sweetness

of the Feminine

that has long-journeyed home 

to herself.

::To Remember::In Painful Times::

There is something in the agonizing act
of applying pressure
to a Body
that creates something anew.

The birthing of pearls
and the laboring of babies
and the burying of seeds
all have the look and feel of death.
But if you close your eyes in that painful moment,
you'll miss the rising
after the falling.

Maybe we'll all come out of this arm in arm,
Together in a new and different way.
And maybe we'll each be empowered
by watching each other rise.

Rise Sisters Rise
Rise Brothers Rise