I wade in this water to find its source.

When I was young,
a kid who still only knew Safety,
and my parents would come home after a night out,
I would notice their smell.
It was always metallic and cold
like car keys and weather.
They'd been outside
while I had stayed inside.
Anything could've happened to them
but I didn't think like that just yet.

I've been crying about my dad lately.
And sometimes I wonder,
is my grief getting worse with the years of distance?
I never used to cry like this
over missing him.
And now I wish so bad
for his strength and encouragement
and his playfulness and ability to handle things
as a presence back in my world,
A world
that I've become so skittish in these past few years.

I miss his parenting.

I've been seeing grasshoppers lately.
We have a complicated relationship,
Grasshoppers and I.
I've always been afraid of them
but lately I've been studying them calmly.
Long legs and still bodies
Unpredictable movements
and camouflaged under stems and leaves.

Today I was walking, walking, walking
And there was another grasshopper,
right there in the road.
As soon as I wondered, "Why?"
A memory tapped me on the shoulder.

I'm a child in Oklahoma
and my dad has brought me
to his family's old farmland
to share in his childhood experiences.
We approached a field with grasshoppers flying
back and forth
up and down
jumping here and there
and everywhere
and I froze in fear.
I was terrified.
But with his prodding,
he got me to walk through it.

And I realized there on my walk
of how my father is still parenting me,
although now
through more mysterious means,
but reminding me in symbols
and memories
and creatures
about how to Be,
and how to carry myself in a world
that can feel so frightening at times.

Be not afraid.
Move through it,
until it's behind you.

I cried and I cried
until the tears had finished their holy baptismal work
and I thanked him for his continued support
and I'm learning still
that I'm not alone
or abandoned
and how to become the bravest version
of myself
alongside the grasshoppers
and my father
and every creature that is learning how to
Be here too.