I can vaguely sense that something's being built
in me and around me.
Something of a life.
I'm apart of it and also not.
It is the truest sense of "co-creator"
that I've been able to come to know.
It is both flowing with the River
and adjusting the sails.
A simultaneous surrender and exertion.
Obedience and Will.
I'm getting to know that part of me that Knows.
I used to search for miraculous bill boards
and exaggerated bread crumbs
as if the only way of finding my way was to turn
outside of my Self.
Then, after Great Loss, I swung to Hopeless and
a kind of false maturity that laughed at the child's game
of sign searching.
"All things are made of chaos and horror and accidents and loss.
Anything can happen at any moment and no one is driving the bus"
I may be peeking out of that shell though,
during winter of all seasons!
It's very subtle and hardly even there
but I'm noticing IT.
This something in me that KNOWS,
that is both me and greater than me.
Getting a whiff of what (I)t wants, then,
not letting my mind object or propose or reason,
Following it, one hope and desire at a time.
Reaching the end, looking back and
every dot connecting in a way that I could not have planned for
but would not have happened had I not followed each whiff.
I am helped.
I am held and guided
and also given so so so much beautiful space.
Space to choose and not to choose and still helped,
still known and cared for.
It's just not so separate from Me than I had thought before.