Equal.
This word hit me like medicine today,
flowed in slowly, taking its time to reach
the most ailing parts of me
that were waiting for this word's healing.
I've always been sensitive to other's reactions of me
and today was no different
other than my own, interior reaction.
After today's slight
I could feel my mind tracking it's old rabbit trail of thought
and instead of following it, I observed it.
Every imaginative turn it would take,
I would pull back and decided to write a different story.
My mind felt like a poorly trained animal,
which I had to harness and re-harness again and again.
No, not that way, go THIS way....
You see, because people are so varied
and will respond in every kind of way to you, and
Also, people are not perfect, and neither are you.
Leaving room for all of this, I must decide to rewrite the narrative
of "Girl who is at the mercy of how other's perceive her"
into "Equal"
This is what I believe Jesus asks us into with his "Cheek turning".
Love the other enough to require them to look you in the eye
and see you as their equal.
Only continued harm is done when the victim and oppressor narrative
is allowed to keep playing out.
"Turn the other cheek" is not an invitation into martyrdom.
I will not crumble, and
I will decide the measuring rod for the situation,
not hand it over to those outside of my knowing self.
I will not depend on another in this way again.

__________


"When you strike a woman, you strike a rock"

Participation.
This word is holy and important.

I need to remember Resilience.

I think it is the answer to my anxieties.
Learning from creation-
I've heard it described how animals
can put up a chase for their desired prey,
but once they realize it is out of their grasp
there is no complicated disappointment
just a simple letting go and changing of directions.
Resilience

If I can recognize my own resilience then

anything can happen to me

(like I already know that it will)

without me needing to predict when or if or how.

Then chaos is a little more tolerable.

If I can remember that after every terrible thing

I have clawed and suffered and gasped and choked,

but also, Here I am.

It does not last forever.

And hasn't my yoga mat taught me

that really, you can breathe through anything.

I'm noticing how I naturally direct my energy,
I'm observing how much is given
I'm seeing that when engaging, I give a lot away
And this all makes sense now.
Sense is made about walls of mine
that people run into
...protective layers...
Guilt I feel over holding others at arm's length,
while I watch others flow easily in and out of relationship.
Comparison kills that inner intelligent observer.
Why can't I just be more open
Why are you so quiet....

Today I wished that I had just a little less emotion in myself
I believe life would be just a little easier.
The mysterious ones to me are the
reasonable
unwavering
unquestioning
steady, stable,
full of information creatures.
This word reasonable has haunted me.
That unattainable standard
that false persona that I try on
and it's just not me....
I flip and I flop and respond to the other
and feel and process and change,
am usually unsure
am wooed and pulled and twisted,
die and reborn
and it's an exhausting dance with another person
that at times feels inappropriately personal
where i'm the naked one with them in a pant suite
nodding, taking notes and not sweating one drop.

So really, the layers make sense.
Actually, I would call them quite reasonable.

Dreamt last night:

It was all leading up to a wedding.
I was getting married but I don't remember any groom
(which makes me think it was all actually not really about a wedding)
It was all last minute planning/trusting.
My company was worried about the details
more than I was.
Two of the details I remember were the bridesmaids dresses
and the place of the wedding.
All along I kept reassuring them that "it would work out"
and then I landed on the perfect shade of blue from a dress that I had.
The bridesmaids (my childhood friend and her mom?) both happened to have blue dresses
from previous weddings,
but they weren't the exact shade I had picked.
"It'll work," I decided.
Then we journeyed to find the "spot"
The fact that it was a journey was important to me.
I wanted to happen upon the spot naturally.
It was difficult (I don't remember why)
but we ended up in canoes on very still water.
The stillness of the water was notable.
I knew that this was the spot.
I began trying to document this spot with a man(?)
using cross stitch while floating there in our canoes (haha!)
We spoke together about how to stitch the blue lines just right
so that the stillness of the water could really be shown.
I remember feeling self conscious at my perfectionism with this.