I wade in this water to find its source.

I'm noticing how I naturally direct my energy,
I'm observing how much is given
I'm seeing that when engaging, I give a lot away
And this all makes sense now.
Sense is made about walls of mine
that people run into
...protective layers...
Guilt I feel over holding others at arm's length,
while I watch others flow easily in and out of relationship.
Comparison kills that inner intelligent observer.
Why can't I just be more open
Why are you so quiet....

Today I wished that I had just a little less emotion in myself
I believe life would be just a little easier.
The mysterious ones to me are the
reasonable
unwavering
unquestioning
steady, stable,
full of information creatures.
This word reasonable has haunted me.
That unattainable standard
that false persona that I try on
and it's just not me....
I flip and I flop and respond to the other
and feel and process and change,
am usually unsure
am wooed and pulled and twisted,
die and reborn
and it's an exhausting dance with another person
that at times feels inappropriately personal
where i'm the naked one with them in a pant suite
nodding, taking notes and not sweating one drop.

So really, the layers make sense.
Actually, I would call them quite reasonable.