Open up and say Weeeeeee!

I've had a tumult of wind and rain

Knocking around my sad thoughts lately.

A pile of caretaking worries followed by 

One red hot fight

Leaves me somewhere between

Swimming and drifting.

My metaphors always seem to make their way back to Water.

If I exist most naturally in experiencing life as a Sea

then maybe I can also captain my way 

back to Peace

again and again.

Mostly I'm a sail.

Flapping or full, hoping for the best.

Please oh please let it be a sweet, sunny day

But when I sit back 

and let my Higher Self's eyes adjust to remembering

the unchanging horizon

and the big, wide world,

I remember.

She is always there

with the understanding that your 

little lost at sea self needs.

Here is what she said today:

Let unconditional self-love be your anchor,

you sweet, soft, sensitive soul.

Let no other being's needs be louder or more important to you.

"Clear the loudmouths from the hall."

You have my permission.

Just Be It

 You are good, do you know that?

There is a reason people tell their pets this.

We are the little gods of our homes.

And we see the goodness of our creatures

and also see that they cannot understand their goodness.

We know, as Providers of treats and water bowls,

of no requirements of perfection or beauty 

to declare Wilbur a "good boy"

or Opal the "best girl".

It is not more complicated than

their fluffy tummies, 

contented sighs,

shameless food celebrations.

No more complicated than that little animal's

miraculous existence in the world.

So you too,

soft-bodied creature,

Can you believe in your goofy goodness?

And accept a wholeness seen in you

that extends beyond your understanding.

Just pat your soft tummy and

know.

There is a You

behind the you

that knows the way.

My happy dog has it

without even thinking.

Her nose just knows

the way to go.

It's pink outside

and a single chirp is bouncing off the porch.

The Rose of Sharon has been slowly dying back for the last two seasons.

This was a problem to handle at first.

Until to my delight,

from their earthy womb

came new/old perennials, 

long planted and long hidden.

Bunches of blue iris',

bushes of pink budded roses

and patches of suitably named

surprise lilies

that only needed some room to breathe from under that

invasive leafy tower.

And it gave me hope

that those things planted in my spirit long ago,

are not lessons learned, long forgotten.

But only crowded out and covered over,

ever-bearing,

compass-guiding,

hardy bulbs that cannot die.

There is a You

behind the you

that knows the way.

When tempted to build precious 

little altars

to the feelings that collect

around precious

little wounds

Stop to wonder

how much more use

would that lumber be 
as logs on the fire

that fuels your feet 

f o r w a r d

I am a seed.

Drop me in the ground 

Let me break and bud 

And bear it all-

Fruit and weight,

Winds and rains

It’s nighttime now

And we’re all curled up in the dark,

Waiting for soil and sleep

To then be delivered back to the Sun,

come sprouted morning light.

1/2 > 1/2

I walk the line
like Johnny C.
with honest fullness on one side
and tempered acceptability on the other.

If I were to do the math
between those two parts
of this whole person
I could say with clear eyes
that I prefer honest
over tempered
and fullness
over acceptability.

It's as simple as that
No matter what,
No matter what.

My Favorite Reminder

There are okra seeds sprouting
right now
in pots
in my backroom
I put the seeds in their soil,
their recognized environment, and
they heard the call
they felt the dark
they knew the womb
and they began their journey
in the wrong season
in a north facing window
in someone's backroom.
We're gonna see what happens.
We may be having fried okra,
come December.

And so I remember that there are rules
and there are rhythms
but we can get playful
and twinkle-eyed with it all too.

It's really not all so serious...

I went to the water this weekend
to the trees
to the sky
to the stars
And the wind greeted me with a gusto
that made me wonder
Who sent you
and continues to send you
without end?
Being there with it all
I remarked,
I've missed your face,
In the way one might say
when reuniting
with a sick loved one you've been hearing about
and worrying about
and wondering if they were still even
really themselves.

Wake up
Notice the fog
in your head
Brush your teeth
Feed your self
Sit on the porch
with your second cup of coffee
Let the fog be
whatever it needs to be
Know yourself
Love the hell out of your
bloody, beating heart
Love even the fog
in your head
Notice the company that you keep
Wash the dishes
Walk your dog
Trim the bushes
Smell the cigar smoke
floating over from nextdoor
Be alive
Be well
Keep going
Keep stretching
Keep growing

Things come together,
don't doubt that they do.
So they can unravel again,
just as nature intended them to.

Sometimes I still feel

that critical eye 

scanning over how I choose

to spend my hours 

these days

And I shake it off

by remembering 

that mine is a quiet revolution

of haikus and slow breaths
of learning the questions my body is asking
of re-knowing what it is that I want.

A personal revolution

of "braving my own wilderness".

There are no longer hammers or drills

or concrete saws in my hands

No more building islands

of new kingdoms

But rather pen and voice and downward dogs
for creating myself anew

to exist more honestly

right here in this wild world

that some are flailing about

trying to save.
I guess
you could say that
I've chosen to save myself,
And this is why I left
in the first place.

Look at you
there in that mirror.
You are who you always wished
someone would tell you
that you are

             -witness

This is my life.
         -reclaiming

me
without
you
is what i am becoming now.
me
without
you
is what i should have
always been,
except that my coattails kept catching
on your remembered gestures
and my mind caught
on trying to prove prove prove
that yes, i'm doing what is right for me,
yes, i was always okay.
And i've now come to the point
where i find that what it most beneficial
is to forget that you exist.
Not because i hate you.
I don't hate you
(it would be easier if i did)
but i'm laying you to rest.
and from this motion i get the sensation
of a "clearing away"
like a shelf
or a path
or a life
and now that i can see the way through
i can say "yes" to moving through it,
me
without
you.

I've been waiting for that person
to tell me of love
to tell me of my own power.
And in one little moment
I thought,
I could possibly just decide
that I am.
Big blue sky,
I'm saying yes to you.

"We are the ones we've been waiting for"

Choice

How sure I must be
to step outside
your ring of warmth and webs
into the cold alone.

Have a seat,
I've got some things to say to you.

I heard last night that you're up to your old ways
with other hearts
in other rooted places
and it destroyed me for a moment,
but just for a moment.
And that's okay
because I've been studying the art of rebuilding
for awhile now.

And all this time my mind has danced around you
in confusion and indecision,
but my body has always known.
My body has always known.

I've been thanking it lately
for not letting it betray myself;
For the nausea that rose when I tried to speak falsely
about need and love,
and for the animal instinct to cut and run.

I could set a vigil
around your well of needs
and you would call me blessed
and holy.

How irresistible,
for that tender wolf pup.

I know that you feel cut off
from wildish woman instinct
within your own self,
And that is why you could never
just let me have it.
Unless it was written in that Book
on that black and white page,
It was untrustworthy to you.

But I am through
with the simultaneous
distrust of and craving for
the feminine.

And as I've grown into this wild woman
I've been making my requests to the Universe
for safe love,
grown love,
stable love.
You can have your wooing glances,
You can keep your hots and colds.

I'll be over here
sprouting roots from my feet,
humming along with Beyonce
and writing,
and creating,
and swaying,
and reveling in my
grown
and wildish
ways.

I wish you well,
But you are not inhabiting me any longer,
old friend.

Word of the Year: Power

It sounds so intense

but really its just me trying to 

saddle back up

after a whirlwind of chaos

And I'm growing weary

of this poor-me-

lost-at-sea coat of despair.

It's half a decision

and half a hope and a prayer 

that whatever magic allows the buds to open

and babies to be birthed

looks my way

and nods it's head in favor.

And I'm gathering tools to add to my belt too,

And my biggest hope is that I'm able to learn

how to soothe myself.

That is the power I'm hungry for.

If I learn this, then what can the future do to me?

What have I to fear if I know

that from any cliff's edge

I can safely bring myself back down

to ground...

Notes

Today I received my Reiki I attunement.
I didn't feel anything dramatic but I do feel a subtle something now when I pay attention.
I got a huge headache afterwards
and struggled through the rest of the afternoon.
I also didn't feel completely comfortable and I think that messed with my sensitivity towards it.
I hear that the key is to just keep practicing on yourself
until you become more comfortable with the feeling of the energy.
I keep feeling a tingling or buzzing in my hands, feet and lower legs.
Tonight while practicing holding Reiki over my solar plexus (not touching)
I could feel my hands fill up every time I breathed out
and then my hands emptied when I breathed in.
I didn't feel that anywhere else on my body.
No matter how far I extended my hands away from my solar plexus, I could feel this sensation.
I think it will take a lot of un-self conscious play to grow into it more and more.
I think the other big thing for me is just to trust and surrender, to not try and will it or over analyze it.
Good things to grow in for 2018...

Reiki Principles from Master Usui:
Just for today- Do not anger.
Just for today- Do not worry.
Just for today- Be grateful.
I will do my work honestly.
I will be kind to people and every living thing.

Today I listened to a Rabbi
give meditations on Moses and Adam
and how when God called to Adam
he had run and he had hid
and how when God called to Moses
in that bush, set ablaze
he replied, "Here I am"

and I understood that.

That subtle, inner difference
between resisting
and accepting
between mindless shame
and mindful presence

And I've been practicing the latter lately,
finding my firey shrubbed voice,
checking in with what is calling
and being there,
willfully.

If I'm sitting on the couch
I check in with that inner flame..
"Is this what I'm wanting in this moment?
(different than craving)
If the answer is Yes...
Then proceed with full acceptance of your choice..
no guilt, no "shoulds..."
Here I am.
Or, if the answer is No...
Then use that inner glimmer
and also your will
and co-create
what happens next.

Tonight,
checking in like Moses,
led me back to music making
back to strings and bows
and turning sheets
and finger beats.
No foot dragging duty involved.
Only awareness,
surprise,
joy
and flow.

What an adventure
this makes
everyday
life.